Today i came to the conclusion, that i must always have my facade up. Everyone’s been really affected by my depression and that’s a lot on my plate, and its not like i don’t already have shit i got to deal with. I just think it’s better if i don’t tell anyone whats going on and keep this facade of normality. Fuck my facade slipped today, i totally had my depressed induced space out today, and the worst part was she was right beside me. I didn’t even notice i was doing it. I hate when im fucking like that. I hate over-thinking, it just leads back to me thinking everything is my fault and that i fucking deserve it. i want these feelings to go away, i hate this heavy feeling in my heart. I feel like i’ve been secretly bottling things up and i dont even know it. I think its just how i am. I really dont want to burden anyone and when things don’t go as plan, i’m really scared to say something, like i’m a burden or something. I know it’s not true in reality, but it just feels that way. I want to escape, Why do i have to care so much, It fucking hurts. Sometimes i want to be like a emotionless and like essentially become a walking mannequin just to get through the day. God, i’ve been through all that experience and i still want to die and cutting. fuck thats all i’ve been thinking for this whole week. I mean there was pros and cons to it, i mean one thing that was bad was the whole trust issue and now that i cant cut myself i have to cut my biceps or my upper arm area, and that is like 20x more fucking painful. But well i’ve gotten into the habit of blogging whenever i want to kill myself and it releases some of the bottled things i wanted to say, but I swear to fucking god though, I hope it doesn’t come to the point where i’ll be writing my goodbye letter here. i just want to stop people from getting hurt by me. I think i made a mistake of telling people my raw feelings, causing them to fear worry and judge. Fuck, it just sucks talking to my self though. It also sucks to finally want to get better for yourself but then to have more extreme feelings of depression and hopelessness. I don’t know, gotta take it one day at a time.